just for once, could you ask me how i'm feeling and actually talk to me? i'm really tired of making the first move.

So, I figure (and think) no-one reads these anymore, which is pretty good. I wish I knew how to make a post that could be locked :/

Anyway, I'm taking an example from D & L and writing a totally personal blog post. Haha. I know. It's not really like me.

Well, where do I start? I haven't written here for a long time. I'm not quite sure why, but I've been pretty secretive over the past few months. I guess...Haha, it's really hard to write this! I'm not so good at letting people in. Maybe that's my problem.

I guess over the past few months I've just been feeling kind of...I don't know how to put it. Like sometimes people just take advantage of me. And then I get really paranoid and think that maybe people only like me because I'm pretty good at listening to them. And don't get me wrong, I love listening to everyone but

I get so wound up worrying about other people. It literally keeps me awake at night. And I used to think that was normal, to completely put other people before yourself but lately I've been thinking that maybe I should just head to Yorkshire, completely start again but don't make any friends this time. That way I'd get things done.

But don't worry, don't worry! I'm not heading to Yorkshire. My parents are having a bit of a rough time down here and I figure that leaving them would pave the way for disaster, as harsh as that sounds. I've also built a new life down here and I think that maybe this is something I need to do. Maybe I just need to tell people that once in a while, it would be nice to, I don't know, have an equal conversation. A conversation where I know where I stand and I'm not having to constantly filter my thoughts because the person I'm talking to doesn't like me to be myself.

I probably need to talk about recent stuff now, don't I? Hah. I definitely don't know the formula for this kind of thing.

The past fortnight has been a complete whirlwind, to be honest. I've gone from writing various integrated assignments to sobbing on the bathroom floor. Good times, haha. I discovered that my family is now completely broke which I can't help but feel guilty about. It's odd, even though I know that I've tried to get a job countless times and I always only use my own money to buy things, I feel horrifically guilty. Partially because I know that when it comes to my birthday on Thursday, I know that inside a little, tiny part of me will be going, "How much did this cost?" and then thinking that my parents should have spent their money on doing something for Valentine's Day instead of getting me anything.

I've also made the decision that I'm completely giving up music as soon as I've done my GCSE. I know that it's a sudden decision, considering that I've been playing music for all of my life and I spent a great portion of my life wanting to become a songwriter. I don't think I like who music makes me. There's a lot of competition between people to become the best and, well, that just isn't me, really. In order to be the nicest person possible, it means giving up everything that makes me selfish and, well, I guess it's a necessary sacrifice.

Because of that, I guess it means that everything with C has to follow the same rules. I was, haha, I was really, really stupid. It's weird, but I think that if I'd known that by just telling him on Leavers' Day that I liked him would turn out to hurt me this much, I wouldn't have done it. Because ultimately, everything's come to the same conclusion. It's very well to say, "But you had such a great time together...!" but maybe then, I'd be able to get over this.

Right, um, I guess the next subject is Kym's party. It was kinda...awkward. I'm not too good at parties, because I just clam up. I sang, though! I sang The Winner Takes It All and then I realised just how ironic it was halfway through the song, ha.

The moral of this blog post: Never, ever, ever fall for a boy who's already moved on. And talk to your friends, goddammit!

I don't wanna talk

If it makes you feel sad

And I understand

You've come to shake my hand

I apologize

If it makes you feel bad

Seeing me so tense

No self-confidence

But you see

The winner takes it all

The winner takes it all.....

i'll never be the same (if we ever meet again.)

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