I Give You My Everything

SO.
How long's it been?
Anyway. An update, yeah?

I'm KNACKERED. Right...I'd best start from like, first Saturday of half term yeeeah.

Saturday: Got up dead early to catch a lift through with my mum to take Lotte to work (I was meeting Sarah+Tom+Chris at Ely Station at like, 10.00). We all met up. Caught the tran JUST IN TIME to Cambridge, where we spent for-fudging-ever walking to the Grafton where we met Carl+Kym. Thennn we went and got our movie tickets for A Night At The Museum 2, and I was like MEGABROKEEE so Chris + Sarah paid which was more than a little embarassing...But anyway, it was good. We went and Sarah + Chris got Shakin' Moos to pass the time. And then shared them with me. They're nice people (: Thennn we watched the film and I sat in between Tom + Chris which was actually dead funny, because they were pointing stuff out to me all the way throughout the movie ('cause I hadn't seen the first one). AND OH YEAH, POINT TO ANYONE, HAVE YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE ADVERTS ABOUT PEARL AND DEAN? DON'T YOU THINK THEY'RE ALL RELATED? Haha. Thennn we milled around the shops for a little while looking like your standard we-want-to-punch-your-face-in kind of kids before heading over to Jesus Green where we all sat down (: Then Chris, Sarah, Tom + I all caught the train back to cambridge (I can't remember when Zoe turned up throughout the day but she did ;D) and thenn Tom caught his posh taxi back to Littleport, Chris and I walked with Sarah home and then went and talked a bit. (: Was all good.

Sunday: My mum took my dad up to Yorkshire, where he's staying for the next two weeks. At least he's not here to bother us anymore, but he keeps on phoning and being a complete arsehole really. But hey, at least I can't find myself wanting to slap him anymore. Not unless I have reeeeally long hands.

Monday + Tuesday: Were spent with Lotte, just tidying up, cooking, doing the occasional bit of art work/science revision, talking to Chris + people on MSN. My mum came home on Tuesday night which was pretty nice.

Wednesday: Chris + I met up in ...Ely? Yeah. And we walked around in the wind+rain for a bit which was kinda cooooold, haha. But nice. And then I met his parents, who took us through to Cambridge, where we had a meal (very-silent-and-awkward) at Pizza Hut before Chris+I ran away to go see Coraline 3D which is the BEST FREAKIEST FILM EVER!! And then we beat each other up on the way home playing the Yellow Car game which alarmed his parents a little, haha. He was meeeean to wake me up ;D

Thursday: I think I slept like, all day...?

Friday: GRRRR. I WAS SO PISSED OFF. Lotte only told me ON THE WAY to meeting Chris that like, Emma had reminded me about the sleepover on FB. I, being the STUPIDD DUMBASS THAT I AM, left without checking my facebook. ): So I forgot it was on until Tot told me in the car and then I was like, " MUST RING EMMA" before realising that her number was on the phone that's been cut off. AGAIN ): \: Goddammit. But then my mum was like "oh i don't want you walking anywhere in the dark anyway" and "oh you have to do your art studies tomorrow morning anyway!" so I basically sulked on the car ride there which is, as I know, reeeal mature. Any way. We picked up Chris and carried onto Cambridge, which was pretty slick. Then I got my allowance which was like OH THANK GOD because I'm famous for my failures with money (; and Chris+I went to Jesus Green and just played Truth, basically. Then we went to get some lunch, ate it, went to the music shop, went to TopMan + got Chris' hat before heading back to the car, where my mum dropped us at Ely. We basically went + sat outside of the Cathedral and had a grass fight before meeting a load of people and heading down to the Maltings, where we were informed that NO, THEY WERE NOT OPEN YET and so Kirsty, Jade, Chris, me + Laura went and sat by the river. Then we went back to the gig, bought our tickets, watched all of the bands...Littlest Things were the best, in my opinion. They were pretty darn good (Y) but the rest was sometimes like "ARGHHH EARDRUM RAPE" and I was pretty knackered anyway + all coughy with hayfever. But yeah. My mum stopped off at Tesco on the way home + picked me up some tablets so all is well (Y) Um...Yeah. Then I went straight to bed when I got in.

Saturday: My mum woke me up dead early before saying "actually you're not ready, stay here" and I wound up staying at home until like 1, when I saved a duck on the road (Y) and we went to Cambridge. I got a new copy of Frankenstein because I gave Brendon my old one and a book on Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. SLICK. Then, we went to the Fitzwilliam and I did some sketches, bought some postcards to draw from + stick in and then we headed home.
Which is where I am now.

EMMA, I am TRULY AND UTTELY SORRY about the sleepover situation, I sincerely hope that your father does not hate me ): I am hopeful that I will be allowed to have a sleepover so, seeing how I promised you like 6666666 months ago, maybe you could stay around? That'd be neat, seeing how my dad's in Yorkshire for the next couple of weeks or so.

JAZZ, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE ART HOMEWORK WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT, IS TO RESEARCH AN ARTIST LISTED IN CLASS. NOW, YOU WEREN'T HERE DURING THE LESSONS, BUT IF YOU WANT TO AVOID MS NUTGENS BITCHING, THE ARTIST I'M RESEARCHING IS CALLED PIERRE AUGUSTE RENOIR. MAYBE YOU COULD DO HIM AS WELL? THE HOMEWORK IS BASICALLY TO RESEARCH HIS STYLE, BUT I THINK IT SAYS THAT ON THE SHEET? YOU KNOW, THE REALLY COOL CRITERIA SHEET? YEAH, THAT ONE!

SARAH, I have no thrilling notices here for you but the other day I watched Order of the Phoenix. How neat was that? But now I want to write fanfiction again.

Right, I'd best get back to Freud My Homeboy. He's ranting about the Oedipus Complex again. Something about little boys wanting to bum their mothers...This whole post is vaguely reminiscent of Feeling Sorry For Celia...

if i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me

Narcolepsy is a chronic sleep disorder (a dyssomnia) characterized by overwhelming drowsiness and sudden attacks of sleep. The condition is most characterized by excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), in which a person experiences extreme tiredness and possibly falls asleep during inappropriate times, such as at work or school. A narcoleptic will most probably experience disturbed nocturnal sleep, which is often confused with insomnia, and disorder of REM or rapid eye movement sleep.



Um.

i wait to explode

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Now playing: E For Explosion - I Explode
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I have to go to the Howdale again. I'm sick of this stupid thing, I'm sick of all of it. I want to sleep, I want to be able to eat without mentally processing how long I have to exercise just to not feel guilty. I'm tired.

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Now playing: The Exies - Ugly
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I'm not in a bad mood. I used today wisely; I slept and then had a look through my Science notes. The exam tomorrow's totally freaking me out. I know that I did well on the Mock, and that I really should/should have told my parents about the actual GCSE tomorrow, but I don't want them knowing.
Someone once told me I push everyone away when I'm scared they're getting too close and I don't know, but they're probably right. I'm more bitter recently, but maybe I'm just getting more mature. I'm hopeful though, and that's got to count for something.

So, more of my thoughts, I suppose.

I dislike people who fish for compliments. They'll criticize their appearance ("Oh! I'm so fat!") and then go and scoff food. Maybe it's this thing talking, I don't know.

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Now playing: Damien Rice - Lonelily (Original Demo)
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It seemed to warp my opinion of everyone and everything. Everyone I know seems tainted now somehow, and I'm just trying to find out the good part of them before it's too late. Conversation's growing short, and the silence is making the air taut with nervousness.

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Now playing: Spill Canvas - All Over You
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I'm so desperate to be someone, to be something that I'm not really paying attention to the now. I need this, I want this. All those other five-hotshot-minute wonders, they're nothing. I've wanted this for so long. I'm not the pathetic "I want to influence the world!" girl, I want the rush, I want the fucking thrill that I seem to get so rarely.

yes, it really really really could happen.

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Now playing: Elliot Minor - Time After Time
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I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Like, loads I mean. I've never been particularly fond of your average "This-is-what-I-did-today" spoonfeed blogs, so I guess I should probably write about this kind of shizz.

I don't think I'm going to get any different from who I am now, to be honest. I can be selfish, self-centered and even kind of manipulative, but...I don't know. I never seem to dwell on my good points. So here they are, I guess. I'm stubborn, good at keeping secrets and able to think things through.

You know? I know it's silly to not want to talk to people over than the ones I'm really close to. And I'm not really all that close to anyone, save for Laura. She's my BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF (: Haha, jokes in Media Studies.

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Now playing: Elliot Minor - Parallel Worlds
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This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I've learned recently that you have to make a kind of disclaimer, or else people always get suspicious, which is actually rather silly. I can't stand being too close to anyone. It's not anything in particular, it's just that I can only have people I totally love actually be close to me. Those people include Laura, George, my mum, Jeremy and Eric right now. And I don't mean love like that, necessarily. Oh, and Kirsty. They're the only people I can actually stand to have really close to me. Other people, it's like a ... I can't think of the word for it.


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Now playing: Elliot Minor - The White One Is Evil
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Defence mechanism, I suppose you could say. I can't stand sitting exactly next to someone, neither can I stand being opposite them. If people reach out to touch me or hug me, I immediately flinch/stiffen. I wish that people would understand, it's not that I'm sad. It's not even that I'm annoyed with them or don't like them, it's just that I just feel...sick, I suppose. I can't look people in the eyes, and I can't stand being stared at. I like linger-glances from boys in the street, as vain as that sounds. But you know? Yeah. I just can't stand being stared at.

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Now playing: Elliot Minor - The Liar Is You
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I can't stand it when people talk about my life all disapproving like. I mean..."Oh, you're always off! The slightest sniffle, I cope with everything." Again, this isn't anyone in particular. Look, I know I get ill a lot. But really, I know you're just joking, but stop it. It doesn't affect you in particular. It's not like I'm planning to marry you and then turning up at the altar and saying "I'm ill". So just...ARGH! Please.

I can't stand it when you can feel friendships breaking apart at your fingertips and there's nothing that you can do.

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Now playing: E For Explosion - I Explode
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It's like...There's a point where you have to say "It's not me who's changing, is it?" and you know it's right. But it still hurts like hell. There's a point where conversation runs out, where silences are awkward and meetings only prove difficulties. I can't stand MSN anymore; it seems like I can't trust my own words not to betray me.

I don't understand why you're doing this. I get that you feel secure with him, but you're being hypocritical. It's not fair of you to be all "He's breaking my heart!" and then say "Well, actually, I'm not breaking up with him". I know that you said all of that, I just can't stand that you can be so...shallow. You've really changed.

I've come to realise many things recently. One, of which: it does not matter how the person themselves feel if you supposedly "love" someone. It's not love to want to have someone for yourself, to want to possess them. That's a craving for dominance. Neither is it "love" to cling to someone who shows you affection. I think...I can't lecture on this. But I know what it should be. Love should be not caring if they're with someone else. It should be hurting like hell because they're in love with someone else, or feeling on top of the world because you're just so happy that they're in your life. Wanting to possess someone for yourself, that's not right. And it never will be. That way only leads pain. Stop automatically correllating the word "love" with "relationship". That way shows folly.

Having said that, I'm actually beginning to really like Eric. I don't want people to automatically think of me as an idiot because I go to a different school than him, or for people to think I'm one of those girls automatically falling for any guy older than her who shows her interest. Yeah, I got to know him because I was flattered he thought I was attractive. But...I don't know. I'm quite happy doing things slowly.

So, basically, to conclude, I'm beginning to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It doesn't matter how much you're hurting inside if you can help others. And we're all human. It's our nature to be selfish.

I'm...sorry if I seem sad when I'm quiet. Sometimes I just have nothing to say. It's nothing to do with the company or anything. Sometimes I'm just very busy thinking.

how long before you let me go?

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Now playing: Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
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Yay! Went busking today, it was preeeetty good fun. I got absolutely knackered though! I tend to completeeeely wear myself out sometimes and then I'll be like TILLY YOU FUDGEPACKERRRR!!!!
I dyed my hair a couple of nights ago: nothing too drastic, just returning to my lighter blonde. I like it (: Um....I cannae think of what to write here...I've got a load of new story ideas, which should be fun to write!

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Now playing: Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody
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Sarah found me this awesomeeeee program called FoxyTunes. It's pretty helpful (:
I met this guy a few weeks ago, he's pretty nice tbh.

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Now playing: Carrie Underwood - Last Name
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Who can tellllllll about things though?

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Now playing: Go Audio - Drive To The City
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OHMYGOD FISHTANK MAN IS FARKIIIING AMAAAAZING....>!!!
EricErciEricEricEriccccccccc (: Get your arse onto Facebook! Then again, I guess you guys do have your GCSEs in like, a week ;0 Sorry!!