just dress me up in what you want me to be.

-weird mood, warning, weird mood.

so i went to cambridge with dan and jem today. it was good. i enjoyed it. i feel strangely protective of them; they're the two boys who i can piss about with + have a good laugh with. i don't have to worry about whether my shorts are too short (they were and i got perved on but nevermind) and yeah they give me the lowdown on what boys really think and don't give a damn about whether i'm a slut (yes, i do appear to be now) or not. does it make sense when i say that i love them? it's a different kind of love i guess, it's the love i feel towards all you guys who look after me so much and i never thank you for it, sorry, sorry.

i don't know what else to write now ¬¬ haha.

i think i've changed a lot recently. i'm actually trying to stop bitching from here on, i really am. promise. i'm really bad. and i know everyone does it but it's an honestly disgusting part of me and i hate it soooo much.

dad's come home. i know i whine about him a lot and i'm sure he's not that bad really, maybe i'm just overreacting, but i can't stand how he treats us, like we're just there to be hurt. he does it all the time. i just go mute at home. i keep on finding these flaws with every single one of them, how much they hurt me, everything. it's bad i can't eat at home now, means i don't feel safe there and i don't, he scares me. he scares me.

everything scares me. i was talking about it to d yesterday and he said he understood, but i don't know? i agreee sometimes when even i don't understand myself? but it's this overwhelming fear all the time, when i'm close to him what people are thinking of me? how long before he realises just how fucking weird i am? and she's like oh it'll last and i swear to god i want to slap her because like hell these things last. sometimes i think maybe i shouldn't have let myself get close to people because it's inevitable how much i'm going to get hurt before i remember how they treated me and how it felt. i don't want to go back to that, god, i don't. i'm just so scared. i can't stand being in groups bigger than four, can't stand being loud, i worry when my clothes are too short/too low, are they thinking how crap that girl looks when they pass me in the street? when people whistle are they taking the piss? probably? i don't get what he sees in me, he's far better than i am. which kinda sucks, but huh.

friendships they're just burning away like they never sparked in the first place.



after school and he is waiting
trust written into fear
and i am walking towards him
or he's walking over here
towards me i lose it
and i just can't stop myself.
it doesn't solve anything.

well i've kind of written myself off now.
and then it stops
and it has to end anyway.

sometimes i guess things just happen
and they don't have to.
but they do.
and well i guess i know all the reasons
i was holding on too tightly
and then i fell couldn't let go but now i know
this is how it ends.

i made the mistake of looking behind me
when it was really just my head
messing with me making me think
i was seeing someone else instead in
my reflection.

i don't know if i can talk right now.
i think i'll try
but the words won't leave my mouth.

sometimes i guess things just happen
and they don't have to.
but they do.
and well i guess i know all the reasons
i was holding on too tightly
and then i fell couldn't let go but now i know
this is how it ends.

and now i'm running and now i'm trying
to get away from myself
i'm clutching at straws just trying not to
let you put me back on the shelf
because i want this.
i swear.

sometimes i guess things just happen
and they don't have to.
but they do.
and well i guess i know all the reasons
i was holding on too tightly
and then i fell couldn't let go but now i know
this is how it ends.

and you don't know
and you don't try
and you never learn, you never learn.
not your reflection
it's your turn.