between the lines.

he wants to send me away.
it's not fair, it's not, it's not it's not, i was the one holding us all together when she buggered off to god knows where and they were crying and arguing every few minutes and i kept it together and even when she came back and we had so little money and everyone cried, i kept strong and you'd think someone would say well done
but as soon as he's back he thinks he can just fuck us all over again, it's not fair, it's not it's not how he picks sides and then he's taunting me every few minutes and i get told off for rising to it. it's not fair i'm not allowed to have my own privacy. i shouldn't have to make excuses just so i can keep a lock on my computer so i can keep my stories and songs private. i shouldn't have to have to keep my gameboy in my bedroom even though i paid for it and gave him my old one. he shouldn't be allowed to keep it when it's not his and it's not fair, it's not it's not, and i get blamed for everything going missing and then nobody believes me when it's not my fault and then when i prove it's not my fault still no one apologises. and it's not fair, i've given up so much and yet they're still allowed to hurt me. my friends pretty much hate me now because i can't stand the thought of being trapped here with no money again because it isn't fair. if you can't pay for your own food, you don't eat. if you don't pay for your own travel, you're not to go out. and yet they seem to love her, she's driven to these expensive courses and they still hate me even though it's not my fault. and i'm called the "reason for his "depression"" when i try to stand up for myself. i'm not allowed my own privacy. i'm not allowed my friends. i'm certainly not allowed to stand up for myself when everyone else is putting me down. i'm tired of being the lazy child, the one who doesn't work, when my grades have improved so much. and they have. i've gone from es+fs to as bs + cs but still i get the she got an a*, why can't you? i'm not her. i'm so sick of being the child who's used to make the other two look better, prettier, funnier, smarter. i'm too tired with this. i can't see the point any more to anything. i'm not allowed to be what i want to be because i don't understand how i can get there on my own and no one will help me. i can't even wear my own clothes.
i've been so strong all along and you seem to think it's alright to destroy everything i love and ban me from everything i enjoy doing
you can't keep me locked in my bedroom forever. if you're expecting some prince charming to come and save me from this fucked up family, you're wrong. soon you're going to have to realise that there won't be a happy ending. because i'm not rapunzel, and i've learnt by now that things never end happily.

now we've got a big big big mess on our hands tonight.

Late night/early morning shopping. It's 3.29AM. Which one is it d'you think?
I'm trying to find a really cool green zip up hoodie with a white zip.
http://www.chemical-records.co.uk/sc/servlet/Info?ref=gbase&Track=SMITHGR
^^
I guess that's something like what I want, but I don't dig the green too much.
http://store.americanapparel.net/f497w.html
I REALLY want one of these. It's a hoodie like the one Gabe for Cobra wears and it's very very nice. So I'd quite like one of those. The only problem is that like...I dunno. In measurements, strictly speaking I'm well within the range of a Small and the Small clothes that I have for my Clockwork Orange tee or my Sonic one are slightly too big. However, it's a hoodie though isn't it? So I'm gonna get a medium, haha. I want one with a really baggy fit anyway. Still, I can't help wondering if it's gonna drown me. I'm a 34, 35" and the average size for a medium is around a 40. so :S Hm. Don't even ask why I'm buying men's/unisex hoodies, ahaa. I guess having small tits is at least good for something.

I deleted all the stuff on my iPod last night and put some new stuff on it this morning. I'm gonna list what I've got on here so far because it's 03.36AM and i'm shit bored.

music
The Academy IsThe Academy EP, Almost Here, Fast Times at Barrington High, Santi
Amy Studt My Paper Made Men
Ashley Tisdale Guilty Pleasures
Brand New Deja Entendu, The Devil and God are Raging Inside of me
Cobra Starship Viva La Cobra, While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets
Demi Lovato Don't Forget
Elliot Minor Elliot Minor
Gym Class Heroes As Cruel as School Children, For the Kids, The Papercut Chronicles, The Quilt
HelloGoodbye Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!
I Am Ghost Lovers' Requiem
Jason Mraz MR.A-Z
Katy Perry One of the Boys
Lady Gaga The Fame
Pierce the Veil A Flair for the Dramatic
Simple Plan Simple Plan
Taylor Swift Fearless
The Urgency The Urgency
3OH!3 WANT



and i don't want to talk about it right now. i know that bottling it up is not good for me. i'm not doing that. i'm just dealing with things my way. things are shit, yes, so what? things are shit for everyone else in this world. stopping to cry over it like i've done in the past is immature and pointless. it solves nothing.
no. i don't want to talk about it.
and that's the end of it.

honey, i'm going to make it out alive.

a devotion to babble

to a life (mis)led by quoting indifferences -
i offer you subtleties, niceties. it is worthwhile
for a few minutes of peace, while my mother massages a migraine.
to my father nursing his negligence in a hospital bed while
the women phone for reassurance that their lives could be worse.
this gossip mill, i am not this rumour of a child, silent.
my life is not run by the words on your lips.

and the worst pies in london!

it's four o'clock in the morning! i'm so bored! i was asleep from nine until eleven and then i was like "oh time to wake up" and then i was playing animal crossing in my mum's room 'cause she kept having nightmares and like, twitching and falling off the bed. poor mama ): anyway she's all calm now so i'm like HIIII COMPUTERRRRR and then i find out everyone LITERALLY EVERYONE is very very sad ): D: D: D: i'm listening to the sweeney todd soundtrack and i'm kinda hungry which is fairly odd for me. i gave lotte the rest of my aero 'cause i'm cool like that! i had so many sweets today! i want to go find my money in my jeans so i can buy a shitload of sweets today. if anyone winds up coming out. i jolly well hope they do D: i've been stuck in the house for so long!! i want icecream, i think. i've got such a sweet tooth recently, which is odd because usually i'm like "urgh, food D:" but recently i've been like OMNOMNOM which really is odd for me!! D: i need to go biking again (: (: (:
i really hope my mummy did an underwear load of washing yesterday. i want to wear my cool checkered boxers tomorrow/today. i would do my own washing, but my dad doesn't trust me ahaha. i totally NEVER broke the kitchen appliances! i never turned the toaster upside down! never! never!
Now I'm listening to Shakira. SHUT UP. She's so cool! But they don't have Oral Fixation Vol. 2 D: which is totally her best album. I borrowed it from the library :D I'm listening to Cobra Starship now. Part of me hates them. The rest ADORES them. J'ADOREEEEE!! I like The Church of Hot Addiction.

Just let me ask you:
Hey, have you heard of my religion?
It's called the Church of Hot Addiction
And we believe that God has lust for everything

Because now,
The time has come for your devotion
And you already got a notion
Of what I need
So give it, just give it,
Just give it to me

You're willing,
I'm waiting.
Turn out the lights

Tonight I am the drug you can't deny
Tonight G-A-B-E gonna get you high
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light it electric

Just let me tell you
Hey, you gotta get the Cobra bless now
You're really only selling sex now
But I can pay
The price you charge for what I need

Because I,
I've got a nasty new compulsion
And you've already got a notion
Of what I need
So give it, just give it,
Just give it to me

You're willing,
I'm waiting.
Turn out the lights

Tonight I am the drug you can't deny
Tonight G-A-B-E gonna get you high
My light is electric
Tonight I am the drug you can't deny
Tonight G-A-B-E gonna get you high
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric

I've got electric eyes
And I can get you high
I've got electric eyes
I'm gonna get you

Tonight I am the drug you can't deny
Tonight G-A-B-E gonna get you high
My light is, light is, light is
Tonight I am the drug you can't deny
Tonight G-A-B-E gonna get you high
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah, hey hey hey
My light is electric, hey hey hey
My light is electric, yeah

FITASS SONG. and i want some bitching formatting now!!

i wanna get back, get back (;

OHMYGOD SO MANY FREAKIN' ICONS MADE TODAY! i'll post them if i cba, but there's 20+ RENT ones, 4+ Mock the Week, 2+ Eastenders...

It's gonna take a while =D And I haven't even finished making themmm.

OMG. EASTENDERS SPOILERS FOR LIKE, OCTOBER!!
on the plus side, syed + christian don't look like they're being written out any time soon =D ON THE DOWNSIDE, THE NEXT TIME THEY'RE FREAKING ON IS LIKE NEXT MONDAY! but even still, there's this MASSIVE MASSIVE EVENT that totally pushes on things =D =D =D

I like being a nerd.

i can't keep fighting this battle with you.

they messed up upon posting ): i'm bummed.

i don't get it; where was your conscience

so, hi, haha. sorry i've been away. it's been a little crazy here.

um, basically i'm going to be stuck here for a while. because my dad had to go to hospital because they suddenly thought he had this paralysis condition and he had to have this urgent urgent operation on his back and um, i really don't know what's going on. don't ask me. so. um. sorry i'm missing out on a lot. sorry. really. sorry.

um, i was going to post a really good story that i found on fictionpress here, as a kind of hall of fame, but i realised that um, it's vaguely strange and some people might be like "t, you read stories about fictional festive characters getting it on like whaaat." because i totally don't. the story's amazing. but it is slightly weird, but maybe that's part of the charm? pass :/ haha. sorry.

http://www.popnography.com/2009/05/how-gay-is-your-star-trek.html
this made me lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th5UnJPubUo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE9O3oZ6M3g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2j0hCRm8Wo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYWEHOj6IEc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlCnhipYY1Y&feature=channel

i can't remember what each of these are, but they were all in the related links to star trek themed searches. haha. i got freaked, haha. sorry.

right, i'm gonna um, try to get some sleep. night, um, night.

sometimes the words are worth smiling for.

i met this girl from florida the other day
and the whole room was lit by the smile on her face
but when she turned to me
i could see
that she wasn't there and
she said to me,
"sometimes i feel
like i'm the only one in this world
who understands me".
well, don't give up
and don't give in
they will kill to see you fall
well just hold on
a little longer
and you'll see what you're living for
because
you are someone
you are something
yeah
maybe you'll be everything
to someone.
and i'm sorry that i can't
help you more
but sometimes the words are
worth staying for
so don't let go.
don't let go.
and her parents, yeah
they don't love her enough
to protect from words in her way
and sometimes i think i'll just get on a plane
and take her away
'cause she's too young, she's too small
for you to just break her inside
well,
don't give up
and don't give in
they will kill to see you fall
well just hold on
a little longer
and you'll see what you're living for
because
you are someone
you are something
yeah
maybe you'll be everything
to someone.
and i'm sorry that i can't
help you more
but sometimes the words are
worth staying for
so
don't let go.
don't let go.
and i'm sitting in my bedroom at
half past four wondering
if i could have done more
sometimes it hurts to admit
you've just got to let it go.

a'righhte guys. we have a dilemma. basically my dad is being an arse and is like, not giving me a lift to the manhunt i'm supposed to be going to OR to ely to meet you guys on tuesday. so basically, i have an option. i can either not go to the manhunt and try and get some money for tuesday by either begging my sister for money, or i can spend all of monday busking. theoretically, tuesday is harder to do because it costs more, but we've been planning on doing this for yonks. ): i hate the fact that fucker-man's made our family broke by buying stupid shit. he's such a douche!

-

OH MY GOD SO FREAKING CUUUUTEEEEE!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGHdE2L_Uk8&feature=related



THE MALE VERSION OF ME, METHINKS. SEE HOW HE PLAYS GUITAR? YEAH, WE'RE THE ONLY TWO IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I'VE FOUND SO FAR WHO SWING THEIR WHOLE ARM OVER THE BODY OF THE GUITAR. SOULMATES METHINKS. AND THE DANCING??! PFFT! IT'S ME!

of masques and martyrs.

dfbpbefcpdo;wbvfpdo;lhqwbafpo;dl

these wounds won't seem to heal.

darn.

i'm a real big fan of yours

ahoy.

so anyway, i feel quite okay now because i wrote a song about everything and then decided to practice my uke and i'm having a great time of it tbh :D i'm thinking of going busking in ely next saturday/this saturday (however you call it.)

my life is wonderfully undramatic at the moment. y'know the business? i've got people who hate me and others who love me. i'm all good. should be doing my art coursework but shhh (: i haven't actually got that much to do, so it's okay. it's all good.

oh, and ps, i'm wearing my hat today. i haven't worn a hat in yonks. i love them (: this one's blue with flowers on. i'm thinking of wearing it tomorrow + saturday when i go busking =D

t xo

'cause i don't wanna know, if i kissed your lips for the last time

I DO NOT WANT TO READ ANOTHER FLIPPING STORY ABOUT FAERIES, VAMPIRES OR MAGIC! I WATCH TORCHWOOD AND MERLIN AND THAT'S AS CLOSE TO GHOSTY STUFF THAT I WANNA GET!
and don't tell me merlin's lame. merlin and arthur so have it going on.

sprout by dale peck is an amazing book. yusyus, it is.

another good book that i go on about all the time is how they met by david leviathan. i got it in america and it's seriously spiffy. it's basically a collection of short stories about how people meet. not about how their relationship goes or any of that drama, but just simply the meeting.
j'adore, j'adore.
hm. what other books do i like?
ironside, i guess. i liked the development of corny and luis. they're the best characters.

all this time spent in vain. wasted years, wasted gain.

why can't you just be proud of me?
i've been so so good i have and you're just always there criticising me.

i don't know how to stop disappointing you. i'm so sorry. sorry.